Monday, March 23, 2009

It should take you exactly four seconds to cross from here to that door. I'll give you two.

The "Mean Reds" get to me. I am the Modern Day Holly Golightly. I live freely and it can become quite exhausting. I am the broken gift inside delicate and ornate wrapping. I am the one you RETURN TO SENDER. I am not easily reassembled. I think its time for my life of lace to adhere to the harsh velcro of society once again. I need to escape the prison and confinement of my fucked up mind to live normally again. i want to experience the warmth and beauty of the sun pressed against my skin. I want to interact with humans again, even if they are shitty or difficult. I want to not have an incessant nausea in my stomach everytime i emerge from my cocoon of panic. I long to be the girl I lost months ago. Im trying I honestly am. If i dont sharpen up a lot is at stake, especially the boy I love so dearly.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One Day I would Like To Disappear.

Dissociation is an art form that I have mastered. I disconnect from this world, my body. the only thing that remains is my mind and that is barely hanging by a thread. Is she normal? Is she mad? not even I know the answer to that question. Sanity is such a fragile thing, not extremely complex yet it remains a mystery to me. I fade in and out. Who am I today? A catatonic state is bittersweet. The writhing, the sweating and the tears. Heart beating. Mind dancing around like a ceremonial pow wow dance. I like it. scratch that I love it. Im on the brink of madness. Laughing inside, a cackle that escalates into a hysterical scream. I hate this person inside. So histrionic. indecisive. Let me go. Release this demon. exorcise me. Forgive me father for i have sinned, but should i forgive you? fuck you for giving me this cross I bear. Amen, Amen.