Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Mirrors unhinge me. I cannot bare to look at my paltry face and body no longer. Guilt and self loathing are a cocktail designed for calamity. I ask myself "How did I become this?" What exactly is "this" I have evolved into? abnormal, distraught, overwrought, compulsive, hysteric and neurotic. I am too scared to live, too scared to die. I spend a lot of time reminiscing about childhood jubilance. The days when summer was like a blanket of security. Brightening days and prompting smiles as if they were automatic. Bubbles blown into the humid air, sidewalk chalk staining scabs on knees. Juvenility is so deceitful. Why didn't anyone ever warn us about the disheartnement? Educate us that bubbles pop and sidewalk chalk washes away when torrential downpours set in? That self-mutilation exists? Rapists too? That life is not a bowl of cherries? That life is actually a plate of maggot infested meat? Cynicism becomes the word of the youth. Show me one truly happy person and ill show them wretchedness. All they would need to do is look at the inside and outside of my wasteful being. They would catch a glimpse of what it really is like to hate. Maybe one day i will carve MISANTHROPY in to my arm. A preface of who i am. And a warning not to even bother with me. Smile now optimists. Show your snickers, snorts and shit-eating grins. One day reality will set in and you too will become crestfallen. You too will soon partake in the atrocity exhibition called life.